Luna Lovegood and the Philosopher's Shell game
by Wesnprogamat
Summary: Omake series of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Switcheroo. Though all of them I had written were either logical or canon, consider them all crack fics. You may read them as individual stories, or as a part of a continuing whole. The idea is simple: If there is a Philosopher's Stone, where is it? Warnings include: implied gruesome death, animal cruelty and organ harvesting.
1. 1 Strain Starting with Flamel

This is a series of omakes varying from crack fics to crack fics with plot (I am not so devoted as to make serious

stories for the HPatPS conspiracies- I will leave that up to you.) Rated T though again, probably K+.

Now accepting Omakes: I will put them in the relevant chapter with due credit. I give no promise on when I update.

Thank you Roserapier for your ideas.

They are for sale if you want them... I WISH!

These aren't the disclaimers you are looking for... Move along...

Each Segment could be read as part of a continuing story or as individual stories, your choice.

Omake Strain 1:

Flamel smiled as Dumbledore walked away with the Philosopher's Stone in hand to the bank... Then he pulled out a similar Stone from his pocket and admired it in the setting sun.

...

Heading home, an old yet ageless man tripped and a stone flew out of his hands... into the mouth of a nearby Niffler. The Niffler hurried off with its prize as the old man was furiously chasing said Niffler.

...

One day, Newt Scammander was nursing a Niffler back to health. The Sick Niffler decided to stay with Newt for a good long time.

...

Luna Lovegood married Rolf Scammander, the Grandson of Newt. She loved his stories so much, and was setting out for an adventure like those he did of old time. However, he was still sick and could not go, so he gave Luna his Niffler, in hopes it would be useful for her.


	2. 2 Strain Starting with Gringotts

Sir, the possibility of successfully owning anything in this Fiction is approximately 3,720 to 1.- I guess this isn't my lucky day.

Omake Strain 2:

The Goblins heard that Flamel was finally bringing a Stone to deposit at Gringotts. They had been arguing and demanding said Stone for years, and he finally relented. As per the protocol, the stone being transported was the middle goblin surrounded by ten goblin warriors. They all knew their life was at stake, for said Stone could ruin all that they had worked for, and would be the first to be blamed if it were lost.

...

The Goblins were on their way to their destination vault. While passing a vault protected by a dragon, the trained dragon was feeling restless. It didn't help that all those who knew the Dragon were deathly ill. Those who had poisoned them were punished, as per Goblin Law, but that wasn't the only problem that day. For, one of the goblins who did not like those who served wizards, had misplaced the newer Clankers and had tampered with the older ones. He knew it was a death sentence, but to him it was worth the idea that they would finally be free. He had also fed a dragon something that would enrage it, but he couldn't do much more...  
This combination of bad luck and deliberate sabotage unfortunately was lethal to the twelve goblins involved. On the plus side, the bank's policies concerning the maintenance of Clankers, mandatory goblin combat training, and dragon handling were updated.

...

Several years later

 **"And then at last, by the combined force of their spells and the dragon's brute strength, they blasted their way out of the passage into the marble hallway. Goblins and wizards shrieked and ran for cover, and finally the dragon had room to stretch its wings: Turning its horned head toward the cool outside air it could smell beyond the entrance, took off, and with Harry, Ron, and Hermione still clinging to its back, it forced its way through the metal doors, leaving them buckled and hanging from their hinges, as it staggered into Diagon Alley and launched itself into the sky..."**

...

Six months later

Charlie knew from the moment he saw this dragon that it needed help. The war was over, and there was much to be done. Even if this was a Gringotts dragon, they were not likely to look for it for some time. If it wasn't a Gringotts dragon, then someone had the dragon handlers to deal with...


	3. 3 Strain Starting with Hagrid

Disclaimer:"All Right, I'll say I own this.

No. Own not. Write... or write not. There is no own."

Omake Strain 3:

"Dumbledore seems really paranoid about sending it by owl," Hagrid mused, wondering why he had insisted on it being delivered in person. "Well, at least I got a look-alike like he said," All of this was silent, as he was repeatedly told, emphatically, that this was a secret mission, that no one must know about it. The orders had continued with, "plant this rock in the pumpkin patch, as it makes good fertilizer. But plant it deep, and do not break it, because it was worth more than your job if it broke or was discovered."

...

It was most unfortunate that a Grindlylow startled the Giant Squid when it was near the boat Hagrid was in, when he had the Stone in his hands. He balanced just fine, but one of the two stones slipped out of his fingers with a splash masked by the sound of the spray. "I have got to tell Dumbledore," he mused silently, wishing he had an owl to send this message now, instead of delivering it in person. Now, if only he could remember which one he dropped...

...

One of the more adventurous merfolk was watching the boats going by when he noticed a rock sure to be sparkle-y heading towards him. "My wife had been demanding something new for some time, and here it is," he hummed happily home.

...

A little more than one year later.

The Basilisk was being sluggish, from its long slumber, and hungry. He wanted it awake and aware, but if it left too early to be seen at Hogwarts castle, it would ruin his plans for terror and for Ginny. And then he remembered, that the Chamber of Secrets was connected to the lake, and so he ordered it to go to the lake and find food nearby enough to make you awake and not to go far from the pipes.

...

More than 5 years later

Though many of the Basilisk fangs had been removed, the great serpent still lay, as if it were sleeping, being mostly untouched by the ravages of time. Yes, it was dead and has been for years, but it's time to be harvested was nigh. The Ministry of Magic had finally come to collect its share of the wealth of potion ingredients and hide, specifically the Department of Mysteries. They had been set back a couple years, from when they were twice invaded. Thankfully, the really important research was untouched. Luna hummed happily as she claimed one of the small and unimportant side organs of the beast. For her contribution to this Department, though she wasn't really an Unspeakable, they allowed her a few perks. She took her portion and left. Her previous bag had broken, so this was her replacement. Now all she has to do is empty it, clean it, and fill it.

Omake Strain 3 variation 1b:

During the Train ride:

 **"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville has lost one."**

...

After the boat ride:

 **"Oy, you there! Is this your toad?", said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them.**

...

About two years later:

 **"Snape picked up Trevor the toad in his left hand and dipped a small spoon into Neville's potion, which was now green. He trickled a few drops down Trevor's throat. There was a moment of hushed silence, in which Trevor gulped; then there was a small pop, and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm.** **Snape, looking sour, pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robe, poured a few drops on top of Trevor, and he reappeared suddenly, fully grown. "**

...

Three or more years later:

Free! Finally free from that person who kept on losing me, free from the torture that looming dark monster, free to live for the rest of my life where I belong...

...

Some time later

A grindlylow munched contentedly on its current meal. The trick was to find something tasty nearby the looming master who wanted to be obeyed. They were fine with some things, but highly frowned upon actions they did not like.

Omake Strain 3 variation 3:

Hagrid sighed contentedly, as he finished shoveling the dirt back into the hole. Mission accomplished, He was wondering how big the pumpkins would be in the years to come, thanks to this fertilizing stone Dumbledore got him.

...

A Niffler woke up one morning to find a shiny to take home somewhere nearby, it tunneled and found it. Happily it put the stone into its pouch and headed home.

...

"As had been Foreseen by the stars," Bane mused as a Niffler headed home. It had taken some effort, cajoling that Niffler, to where it was, but now, the stone told of by the stars is under his watchful eye. At least, if the stone was in the pumpkin patch like Hagrid said it was. The Stars had warned him not to actually touch the stone himself, as he would likely die, so this form of quiet maneuvering would have to do...

...

A happy Niffler returning to his burrow sensed another shiny nearby. However, it was most unwise to try to steal this shiny, sticky web. "I did not Forsee that," mused Bane.

...

Between One and Two years later

 **"Mr. Weasley's car was thundering down the slope, headlights glaring, its horn screeching, knocking spiders aside. Several were thrown onto their backs, their endless legs waving in the air."**

...

Some time after the Battle of Hogwarts

Luna hummed happily as she sauntered through the Forbidden Forest. She had no reason to really be quiet here, or at least not right now. Perhaps a few yards deeper, but now? No. Everything in this part of the Forest was a friend, even the old and feral car going around. It had even given her an interesting present. She thanked it for it's gift, and was heading home, heading back to the newest edition of the Quibbler. "It's a shame I didn't find any Snorkacks here yet. Well, maybe tomorrow."

Variation 3b:

Dumbledore's Funeral

 **"White smoke spiralled in the air and made strange shapes: Harry thought, for one heart-stopping moment, that he saw a phoenix fly joyfully in the blue, but in a second the fire had vanished."**

...

Fawkes flew happily into the Forbidden Forest. His previous master was dead, but he had communicated through their shared link on the day he died that he wanted Fawkes to be happy. Until today, he didn't have any reason to be happy. But now? He could feel that the incubating egg was starting to hatch. It was time to retrieve his source of happiness from its incubator.

...

A Phoenix was noted for flying away from Hogwarts. This wasn't strange as Dumbledore had just died. Some even remark that it was flying sadly away. Again, Dumbledore had just died, why else would a Phoenix, probably Fawkes, be sad?

Variation 3c:

Battle of Hogwarts

 **"A monstrous spider the size of a small car was climbing the side of the building, liberated from the Forbidden Forest, into which the Death Eaters must have penetrated."**

...

Some time After Battle of Hogwarts

Neville knew they were running low on Wiggentree bark. He knew this and kept putting it off. Even though it had been years since he had last been in there, it still had its horrors of the past. Then one day, he gathered his courage as Professor of Herbology, and started looking for a Wiggentree still standing. They had mostly been trampled, thrown, or destroyed by some other means during the beginning of the Battle of Hogwarts, which made it all the harder to find one. Finally, he did find one, a young one, although it clearly wasn't growing properly. With a generous bribe to the resident bowtruckles, he set to work, both obtaining the bark, and removing the object wedged into it. Finally satisfied with a job well done, he set off for home. With luck and hope, the number of Wiggentrees would flourish to the number they were before the war.


	4. 4-6,8-9 Strain Starting with Dumbledore

Sergeant Schultz, I think you had better go to the Russian Front.

-But I own Nozzink! NOZZINK!

Omake Strain 4:

(Variant 1: mostly smart and mostly good Dumbledore and not-so-smart and mostly good Hagrid)

Hagrid had finally returned with his mission a success. "Now for phase three," mused Dumbledore. Each of the phases was simple enough in their objective and with their execution. To help prepare for Phase 3, he had already started to enlist the other teachers he felt he could rely on for this. For most of them, what he wanted was the appearance of a heavily guarded location, while allowing for means to get through the protections for maintenance, and to rescue those whom Tom had used to get through the defenses. Children were not expendable to him, but for Tom, this cannot be counted on.

Gringotts had failed, Hogwarts must not.

Admittedly, Hagrids' "Fluffy" was totally counter to this, but there is always a fine balance between convincing Hagrid that what he proposed would not work, and keeping him from knowing enough that he would likely tell enough to be harmful in the wrong ears.

I would trust him with my life, I had said. I stand by those words, but I also know (and don't tell Hagrid to keep from hurting his feelings and his trust) that I would only trust those secrets to him that I don't care so much whether or not he reveals them. He feels that "Fluffy" is safe enough and loyal, and to say enough to convince him would disrupt the balance. So, I must put Hagrid's "Fluffy" in the line up. And since Hagrid has to take care of him, and he has lost most of his finesse in magic and Hogwarts wouldn't let me make a secret passage for him, and furthermore, so that he doesn't see that which he wasn't supposed to, he has to be the first line of Defense.

Which means I need to warn off the students so as not to have students needlessly (not that it was needful to injure them because of Tom, but still) injure themselves on the way.

So, Hagrid, Sprout, Flitwick, McGonagall, Quirrell, Snape and I would be the obvious lines of defense. And yes, I know that Quirrell is one of the most likely ways for Tom to get in, and therefore one of the most unreliable, but I need to have him in a place where if he does create a situation, there would be a minimum of students allowed. Where else could I have put him? In the subtle lines of defense with Madame Pomfrey and Septima Vector? Or as a non-participant with Sinistra? If the second, I am sure he would have found a way in, but probably at the cost of several students. Now then, As the only ones he would have to worry about are Snape, Me, and Hagrid, there should be little reason for him to resort to sending in children.

Dumbledore takes a stone out of his pocket with one hand and pulls out his wand with the other. He then approaches the mirror...

...

One of the few times Peeves had annoyed Dumbledore involved the taking of an object that was in his hand, invisibly, and then flying off with it. Though he demanded it back, Peeves simply did not have it anymore. Peeves knew never to repeat said process with Dumbledore, or he would be forcibly removed from Hogwarts.

...

As a squib, Filch had few perks in his job. Usually he had only two. Mrs. Norris, and giving detentions. Hated by most everyone around him, lacking in magic, and doing the menial work of cleaning Hogwarts, which he knew was pretty much a low-paying "make work" job, because of the House Elves, oftentimes those two weren't enough. It didn't help that he was limited in his employment options. So, when he noticed Peeves had brought in outside rocks into His castle, into a room he had just cleaned, well, he took the whole bunch of them and took them outside, throwing them in a direction where no students would be hit, though he would dearly love to hit them. And then he had work to do. His was a job with few breaks.

...

The four Marauders may have explored Hogwarts, but that doesn't mean that us, the future generation of prankster couldn't. Fred and George thanked Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, every day they used the map to avoid detentions, execute pranks, and eat extra sweets. Even though they were poor, with Zonko's help, they got along fine, if not great. As part of one of a mostly complete prank involving a bag of rocks for weight, they scooped up a convienient pile and put it in a bag. The idea of the prank fell through, so they kept the bag of rocks, just in case they found an opportunity to properly use it.

...

Variant 1a:

(similar to Variant 3), but after Filch removed the rocks.

"As had been Foreseen by the stars," A centaur mused as a trained Niffler spat a stone into his hands. Now the question is, where do I put it? The stars had said that an object like this would attract even the jealousy of the centaurs. So, bringing it back to the herd was out...

...

After the Battle of Hogwarts

 **And before he could say a word she cried, "Oooh, look, a Blibbering Humdinger!" and pointed out the window.**

Variant 2 (or Strain 5):

(similar to Variant 3b) A little before Dumbledore put a stone in the mirror.

Dumbledore closed his eyes while his faithful phoenix Fawkes watched on. When the phoenix was sure he was asleep, he flew towards an object that was causing Fawkes distress from his empathetic link with Dumbledore. Fawkes had bore the feelings as long as he could, but today he had reached his limit. He took the object and vanished. Some time later, Fawkes came back with an object similar to the first. When Dumbledore awoke, Fawkes would be ready to tell him that the object in question was out of everyone but Fawkes' reach, and that this object would be much safer to lose. Maybe this week, he would get a decent night's rest. The stress was wearing on both of them.

...

Variant 2b (or not 2b, that is the question... ;) (or any of the Strains: 6, 8 or 9):

Hogwarts, as a school of magic, and founded Centuries ago, had a personality. It had thousands of little feet tromping, pattering, scurrying, and ... basically thousands of young children residing in its halls with the express purpose of learning how to use magic. As its personality developed, it grew a fondness for the well-being of its young charges.

Its headmasters came, and went, and while it attached itself to each of them, it had come to the realization that nothing that roamed its halls, except the ghosts and whispers of magic would stay forever.

It was built to raise children, and so, it started to care more and more for them. Though there was much in Hogwarts that could kill, (the changing staircases being one of them) all that was under Hogwart's control would not irrecoverably harm them, and it lent its aid to the healing of all its charges. Magic was dangerous, and children were too often uncivil to each other for it to have a personality that would totally vanquish said lack of civility in a school of magic.

That being said, there were times when creatures that were resistant to its magic were pulled inside by the teachers (like a Troll). It did its best to keep it from inflicting lethal damage to students, by encouraging it to take paths where there weren't any students, manipulating the staircases to keep them away from it, and subtle magics here and there to speed them up or slow it down. And though it shrugged off the suggestions, the methods did work, for the most part.

Unfortunately, none of said methods helped a student crying inconsolably, and so, realizing a student might be in danger, it picked a random student who knew who she was and subtly reminded them that they weren't there to hear about the troll. The teachers have so many names and faces to remember, that though they were more in tune with Hogwarts, it would have spent precious time to remind them which students weren't there. To be sure, it did both, but the student was faster at remembering. Once again, the real threat to a student was removed.

But on that same day, a teacher was severely damaged, and in such a way that perhaps there was another real danger. Perhaps there was a danger which an uncontrollable Troll was not nearly as dangerous, that required another Troll and other dangers to protect. Well, then, if an item which had required such dangerous guardians to protect, why not de-power the item or do something else to it, or perhaps that mirror the headmaster promised it would be and had also begged to allow?

...

The House Elves jobs were mostly on the part of cleaning, and cooking, and general (but invisible) servitude. For a House Elf, it was a safe way of life: Regular food, good living conditions and for the most part, being unnoticed. They were bound to Hogwarts Castle first, and then to the Headmasters second. Hogwarts was alive. They knew that and since they were to serve all those inside of Hogwarts, logically, it should include the Castle itself. And, since there was no Headmaster, Staff member, or Student older than it which they were to be ordered by, or more attuned to all of them, it stood to reason that they should obey it above any other being inside Hogwarts.

When Master orders, you obey was their creed. Furthermore, Hogwarts never gave them orders they didn't want to disobey. So when they heard the Headmaster plead with Hogwarts to allow an object which had to be severely guarded for the safety of the students, they paid attention. It didn't stop their work, and though they weren't planning on interfering, they started to allow for the order to do so. It would not do for any of their masters to be angry with them without an order to do just that, after all.

Then the order came...


	5. 7 Strain Starting with the Mirror

Let's try a different disclaimer:

Sung:

"Disclaimer: Means I own Nothing!

And that's why it's called 'Disclaimer!"

-I ... Said ... I ...Own ... NOZZING!

Strain 7:

Probably some time after Christmas of Harry's first year at Hogwarts

A man with a wand was murmuring under his breath as he seemed to merge a stone with the mirror. When he was finished there was no sign of the stone. He spoke as he parted, "Farewell Ariana and Mother. Until I see you again, please keep this safe."

...

About 5 years later

 **Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore.**

 _ **"Avada Kedavra!"**_

...

Roughly 31 days later

 **"No, it'll be because the thirty-one days are up," said Hermione at once. "They can't keep the objects longer than that unless they can prove they're dangerous. Right?"**

At least 1 year later.

Though Luna was not really a member of the Department of Mysteries, sometimes you needed an extra opinion, on how something worked. Luna was on call for such consultations, or rather after being notified, some time later the magizoologist would arrive from wherever she had wandered off to, in search of new (or old) magical species, sometimes with her husband in tow. It helped that her opinion was correct often enough that they, to help her better develop her theories, and as a slight show of trust and reward would allow seem to allow her to be alone with their precious artifacts. This was the Department of Mysteries, though, and for everyone's safety, you would be hard pressed to be totally without surveillance.

Variant 1:

Before the beginning of Harry's sixth year.

"Aberforth, I know we don't agree on many issues, but I am dying and I have several objects that I am sure the Ministry would confiscate, that I would rather they didn't."

"Why should I help you?"

"Because some of them could and probably would be used against you. Look, I am not asking you to use them, just to keep them from the Ministry's hands."

"Fine. I'll keep them. I give you no guarantee that they won't be neutralized though."

"That's okay. Even if they are gone, it still would have been better than the Ministry getting their hands on them."

Variant 2:

During Harry's first year

Death glided towards a mirror and glared at it. There was an object here that annoyed him, and it wasn't Death or the mirror. One of his "Hallows" had been in contact with this mirror and the object, and a second had been in close proximity for such a long time, which was why Death had only to wait until the room was empty before arriving. There were rules, one of which said that Death under normal circumstances (read until ordered otherwise) could not take something that was a possession of a living person which they kept nearby and/or was on them. Well, now it was neither, and technically, the object was the mirror's now, and the mirror didn't count for this rule. Too bad this was one of the living's possessions, and enchanted to return to him if lost, or else Death would have just taken the whole mirror away.

Variant 3:

As an old man left a room with a mirror, there was a change happening to the mirror. The mirror rippled happily, feeling more energized than it had been in years.

Thank you Roserapier for your idea that Death would like to take the stone.


	6. Strain 10, Omake, and Prompt

Disclaimer- Where we had last left off, Sergeant Shultz was fighting off a bunch of rabid lawsuits. In desperation, he pulled out his trusty book, which said, "If you are in the top of a fanfiction and fighting off rabid lawsuits, simply say "I own nothing.""

-I (puff) SAID (puff) I (puff) OWN (puff) NOTHING!-

Join us next time when you will hear him say, "AAAAaaaaargh!"

Strain 10:

 **"First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well." Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.**

 **"... And, finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."**

The Weasley twins found out there was a Cerberus in that hallway in the first week. They had also noticed the trapdoor, and so put their own watch on who was coming and going to this Cerberus. Some time after Christmas, they had found ways all 7 layers of defense and ways to circumvent said layers of defense. With a little bit of coordinated thinking and spell work, the two whistled as ambled away from the mirror. Supposedly, no one knew what they had done, and if it was known what they had done, they might be in trouble. Why borrow trouble? Let others figure out what they had done.

-End of Strains...

However a bonus Omake Strain and challenge (Thank you Roserapier)...

Sometime after the Battle of Hogwarts and probably after 17 years later.

Luna put her finishing touches on the formerly ruined tiara. It had taken a bit of luck, finding this, and even more so, to find the spells, stones, and other materials needed to fix it after it was ruined so, but the results were astonishing. Now that it was finished, she noted the Department of Mysteries owling her again, with their conspicuously 'normal' owl.

"Rolf, dear. They want me again." She spoke to her husband. Even though they were on opposite sides of the house, he heard her perfectly well.

"Go. I would just drag you down with this illness. Maybe next time."

Even though it had been years, she still remembered the whisperings of the veil of death, especially today. Today, she had another theory to try out, in addition to whatever artifact or spell they had wanted her to theorize. So, when she was finished with their work, she had asked for time alone with the Veil of Death. This wasn't totally out of the ordinary for her, it was about the time for her to ask to see it again, and her theories this time were reasonable, so why not? Sometimes she skipped stones into it, sometimes she just talked to it, but everything she did regarding it (she knew not to enter, and so didn't) was helping them develop a better idea of how it worked. This time, she took her tiara out of the bag, which was properly enchanted to allow communication to her, put a note on it and lightly tossed it in.

Omake Prompt: Luna Lovegood has thrown any number (above -1 and no fractions of course) of stones into this veil and this Tiara. They may have been Philosopher's Stones, Philosopher's fakes, Phoenix eggs, or other stones, including other stones of power, and this Tiara may or may not have been Ravenclaw's Diadem. With each object she threw in, she had put on a note. So, given that this "Veil of Death" could have deposited any (whole) number of objects (regardless of how many she threw in), and given that it could also have changed the appearance, magic, power, power source and/or power level (basically, anything between nothing and everything) of each item, and also of each note: How many arrived? Where and/or when did they go? What were they? What was written on their respective notes?

This is your challenge, and there are already several places where, if you think of the story, it might already have happened.

I am not going to post any more chapters on this fic without severe reason to. I am more likely to update chapters (like I already have) whenever I see reason to.


End file.
